Why
the Aliens Are Paranoid
March
30, 1994
Good
Morning, to everyone staked out on the plain. This is Paranoid Alien
Radio, broadcasting out of Roswell, New Mexico, where all the aliens
are very paranoid.
We
who have been stationed here on a galactic peacekeeping mission would
like to ask you if you have ever stood under the stars, while the
moon is shining down on the Sangre de Cristo Mountains?
If
the moon is full and the stars are bright, you shall be able to hear
Kit Carson howling in the night.
If
you will listen to his mournful howls, you shall hear him complain
about how he was abused and cajoled and deceived by people who
thought that they knew what was good for the country because they had
West Point educations. He is howling because he is coming to realize,
that the things that these generals and colonels ordered him to do,
are things that would nowadays be filed under “G” for Genocide or
“E” for Ethnic Cleansing.
Kit
Carson is lamenting the fact that he chopped down the peach orchards
of his neighbors, simply because he was given orders by generals who
felt that the Union was in danger and the Navajos were a threat. He
is howling because he knows too well how often the Navajos had given
aid and comfort to runaway slaves. He is howling because the people
with big educations had him so hypnotized, they were able to trick
him into acting in a way that made war with his conscience.
Originally,
having grown up in a contested settlement, Kit Carson had worn a chip
on his shoulder where “Indians” were concerned. But the longer he
served the U.S. Cavalry, the more he came to realize the slime that
lay hidden beneath the macaroni. The more new settlers he led out
here to New Mexico, the less encounters between the U.S. Cavalry and
the Natives were conducted as contests of honor, and the more that it
was beginning to look like plain old genocide.
Kit
Carson ended his life as an advocate for Indian rights, but his ghost
will still howl in the night, because he wants to wake you up so that
you do not need to spend your old age atoning for the sins of your
youth. And Kit Carson will keep howling, until those who have come in
the big ships across the ocean learn a proper respect for the little
Native canoes being tossed about in the wake of the big ocean liners.
We
who are paranoid aliens are establishing a beachead on this planet,
because your galactic neighborhood is tired of watching re-runs of
the old Cowboys & Indians serials. We cannot allow you to begin
colonizing Outer Space, because your rapes, acts of domestic
violence, acts of vendetta, and wars which result from vendettas are
bad examples. We who are Paranoid Aliens simply cannot afford to have
other young races follow in the path you are leading.
Incidentally,
we who are Paranoid Aliens are not alone in this feeling. We have
spoken with the elders of many traditional tribes. The elders are
all in agreement, that the public fashions of your age are far too
violent. There are some among the Pueblos who warn, that on account
of the sins against the Tree of Peace, the White Snake soon shall
take a flogging from the Black Snake which shall leave him writhing
in pain. It is a pity, but if the fanatics did not rise up to oppose
you, the White Snake would become so bold, that everything that is
warm-blooded would be poisoned.
“To
be quite blunt, we see your planet positioned on the brink of a
Global Civil War. We who hail from the planet which we call Iblees
are of the opinion that it would be just as well, if we were allowed
to encourage you to act out your aggression in a way that would bring
mutual extermination, and the extinction of your ‘human species.’
Quite frankly, the Real Estate of your planet is too valuable to be
wasted by being set aside as a nursery for an immature species that
would just as soon exterminate itself in an orgy of mass violence.
