Why the Aliens Are Paranoid

Why the Aliens Are Paranoid

March 30, 1994

Good Morning, to everyone staked out on the plain. This is Paranoid Alien Radio, broadcasting out of Roswell, New Mexico, where all the aliens are very paranoid.

     We who have been stationed here on a galactic peacekeeping mission would like to ask you if you have ever stood under the stars, while the moon is shining down on the Sangre de Cristo Mountains?

     If the moon is full and the stars are bright, you shall be able to hear Kit Carson howling in the night.

     If you will listen to his mournful howls, you shall hear him complain about how he was abused and cajoled and deceived by people who thought that they knew what was good for the country because they had West Point educations. He is howling because he is coming to realize, that the things that these generals and colonels ordered him to do, are things that would nowadays be filed under “G” for Genocide or “E” for Ethnic Cleansing.

     Kit Carson is lamenting the fact that he chopped down the peach orchards of his neighbors, simply because he was given orders by generals who felt that the Union was in danger and the Navajos were a threat. He is howling because he knows too well how often the Navajos had given aid and comfort to runaway slaves. He is howling because the people with big educations had him so hypnotized, they were able to trick him into acting in a way that made war with his conscience.

     Originally, having grown up in a contested settlement, Kit Carson had worn a chip on his shoulder where “Indians” were concerned. But the longer he served the U.S. Cavalry, the more he came to realize the slime that lay hidden beneath the macaroni. The more new settlers he led out here to New Mexico, the less encounters between the U.S. Cavalry and the Natives were conducted as contests of honor, and the more that it was beginning to look like plain old genocide.

     Kit Carson ended his life as an advocate for Indian rights, but his ghost will still howl in the night, because he wants to wake you up so that you do not need to spend your old age atoning for the sins of your youth. And Kit Carson will keep howling, until those who have come in the big ships across the ocean learn a proper respect for the little Native canoes being tossed about in the wake of the big ocean liners.

     We who are paranoid aliens are establishing a beachead on this planet, because your galactic neighborhood is tired of watching re-runs of the old Cowboys & Indians serials. We cannot allow you to begin colonizing Outer Space, because your rapes, acts of domestic violence, acts of vendetta, and wars which result from vendettas are bad examples. We who are Paranoid Aliens simply cannot afford to have other young races follow in the path you are leading.

     Incidentally, we who are Paranoid Aliens are not alone in this feeling. We have spoken with the elders of many traditional tribes. The elders are all in agreement, that the public fashions of your age are far too violent. There are some among the Pueblos who warn, that on account of the sins against the Tree of Peace, the White Snake soon shall take a flogging from the Black Snake which shall leave him writhing in pain. It is a pity, but if the fanatics did not rise up to oppose you, the White Snake would become so bold, that everything that is warm-blooded would be poisoned.

     “To be quite blunt, we see your planet positioned on the brink of a Global Civil War. We who hail from the planet which we call Iblees are of the opinion that it would be just as well, if we were allowed to encourage you to act out your aggression in a way that would bring mutual extermination, and the extinction of your ‘human species.’ Quite frankly, the Real Estate of your planet is too valuable to be wasted by being set aside as a nursery for an immature species that would just as soon exterminate itself in an orgy of mass violence.