The Reddest of Red Alerts

As Above, So Below

Dec 20. 2012

It had not been a routine sort of sighting. On account of the time and the season, the air controllers had thought at first that it was a Santa Claus prank. But Santa had never shown up on the radar before, and the cigar shaped object did not look like a sleigh.

The Reddest of Red Alerts

It was definitely alien, and since it refused to identify itself, it was no doubt of the illegal variety. But it was traveling far too fast to be any ordinary wetback. By the time that this suspicious craft had crossed the Rio Grande it had slowed down significantly, but its airspeed had still been calculated at about mach 3.

The flight appeared to have originated from somewhere in the Columbian interior. This in itself aroused concern; the only international cargoes that got routed through this territory usually involved guns and narcotics. Air traffic controllers in Oaxaca, Merida, Mexico City and Guadalahara attempted to establish communication on various frequencies, in English, Spanish, French, Portuguese, German, Russian, Chinese, Japanese, and for good measure, Urdu. None of these efforts had produced a response. The Mexican Air Force had scrambled, to challenge this strange object’s right to use Mexican air space. These fighters had been forced down by engine failure before they had gained enough altitude to get a clear picture, but they had managed to radio a warning of the air-space violation to the American bases north of the Rio Grande.

The luck of the United States Strategic Air Command had not been much better. The speeding object seemed to be surrounded by an invisible shield which repulsed their radar signals, their heat seeking missiles, and every other sort of projectile that they could throw at it.

It was the reddest of red alerts. The president of the United States was contacted, and even he was not quite sure what to do.

Waiting for a Chartered Flight

Dr. Payne was sitting in his office, in the penthouse of a high rise structure in Dallas which could only be reached by those who had the correct elevator code, as well as a special key. He had been waiting for a CIA chartered flight to arrive from Guadalajara to Pinal, Oregon with heroin and cocaine, which could be transported to the liberal northeast, and dumped on the gang kids of the cities.

He heard that the commercial air space had been closed down, and fretted about what might happen while the precious cargo in which he had invested sat on a side lane of the International Airport at Monterrey.

If this chartered flight were examined by customs inspectors who were not sufficiently impressed by the credentials of the agents, the world might become aware of just what the Benevolent Committee For Canonization of Franco was trying to accomplish in Latin America.

At this point, Dr. Payne was probably more concerned than the president. The Secretary of State was visiting Cairo, and the president was not willing to interrupt her call to hear just to hear about another UFO incident. Mr. President felt that it was far more important to find out which way the Jolly Green Giant of Egypt would be walking. If that Evergreen College Professor were right, and the New Age of the Mind would become dominant after 2013 – the critical factor might very well be the influence of the dissidents who were being released from Islamic prisons on account of the “Arab” Spring.

One of Mr. President’s most strategic objectives involved the cultivation of an emotional alliance between these former prisoners of conscience, and the Senate and the People of the United States of America. If this alliance could be brought into being, the UFO’s would simply have to wait.

The pilot of the grounded CIA cargo plane shared Dr. Payne’s concern. He agreed – the cargo contained sacred relics which needed to be shielded from profane eyes.

It was time for Dr. Payne to call on his old business partner who goes by different aliases in different countries, but who is commonly referred to by Bible Belt people as “Satan.”

“Remember that contract we signed in 1972?” the little grey devil reminded him. “Do you realize that 40 years have gone by? As you recall, that was a 40-year contract, and we have fulfilled our part of the bargain. It now is time for you to come home with us, so that we can keep you as a pet.”

A Bible-Belt Jesus Sighting

Pastor Ebenezer Mc Grady of the Shreveport Louisiana congregation of Howlers For White Jesus was on his way home when he noticed a rather strange object bobbing about in the sky. When he looked through his binoculars, he could see that it was a middle-age man in a business suit. That man was not hanging from a parachute, but was simply – flying through the air.

The word got out and all of the congregation assembled to look at Jesus flying through the air. Other congregations all through Texas, Louisiana, Arkansas, and Mississippi also were able to observe the levitation of Dr. Payne. At this point the Mother Ship of the Aliens, which had Dr. Payne fixed in a tractor beam, had hidden herself away behind a cloud. All that the people on the ground could see were the contrails of the fighter jets that were rocketing into the stratosphere in order to get a fix on the UFO.

According to the rumor which began to spread among the True Believers on the ground, the Second Coming of Jesus was being intercepted by the military forces of the Zion Occupied Government. By way of damage control, several military helicopters were dispatched to record the event on video and – if it were possible – rescue Dr. Payne from impending abduction. As a result, network television interrupted its regularly scheduled broadcast for coverage of what was given out to be the attempt of a group of Southern Christian extremists to launch their own plastic Jesus. This helium filled, animated Jesus (With brown hair, light skin, and a business suit, of course) was scheduled to fly over the Bible Belt, as a signal for the True Believers to begin their paramilitary operations against ZOG.

Dr. Payne gestured frantically, but the military helicopters were unable to get close enough to throw him a rope. They were able to video, as the operators of the tractor beam turned Dr. Payne unside down and shook him, until his wallet and his cell phone fell out of his pockets. Network television warned all of its watchers that these articles were now the property of NASA, and that anyone who took the wallet home was risking a visit from the FBI.